Reads in chronological order from bottom to top
SPECIAL OFFSEASON UPDATE:
For those of you who asked (3 of you asked), and for those who didn’t (everyone else), here is a special and first ever edition of FOLBIES INTERNATIONAL OFFSEASON UPDATE:
No surprise, focus will be on the The Barnum and Bailey Circus that resides in Cleveland and poses as a football team. So much can be said about how terrible last year was. We can pretty much start and end with the day we changed our jerseys. There is no denying that outside of Valpo, the Browns have the worst color combo in life. However, we once had a clean, traditional, very good looking football uniform that made me love the Orange and Brown. Now we have the most hideous, disgusting things I have ever laid my eyes on. I refuse to buy new Browns gear because our new orange makes me wish I was color blind. Moving on…
January 5, 2016: The Browns bring in Jonah Hill to run our football team. We recapped this during the season so no need to recap again I just still think it is funny that Jonah Hill is sitting in an office in Cleveland making football decisions. Incredible.
I cried on March 11, 2016. The Browns released Johnny and even though I knew it was coming, it still hurt more than I like to admit. Both Johnny and the Browns are equally deserving of what we got from each other. Though I firmly believe if we hadn’t treated him like a child for two years, he wouldn’t have trainwrecked like he did. More importantly, all the Manziel gear that I own (upwards of $500) would still be worth something. I paid tribute to the young man that I still call my friend but no longer my teammate on my Instagram page. If you have not seen the video you can find it on the gram @mrceo65.
March 24, 2016: RIP RG3. Some of my close friends may remember that I once desired the Great Black Hope in Cleveland when he was coming out of college. The Redskins traded basically their entire franchise for him and man was I glad we dodged that bullet…. and here we are with RG3 on the Browns. A script so laughable you thought it was an Onion story. RG3 started off hot by coming in and immediately dropping the dumbest quote in the history of professional sports and possibly life in general: “If you say you are humbled then you are not humble… I just think I am more experienced.”
WHAT. THE. FUCK? You are so humbled that you’re not going to tell us you are humble but instead call out people who say they are humbled because you are just so experienced? What the fuck did I just read? Honestly, if someone can explain this to me please do because the only thing that comes to my mind is…”Mr. Madison, what you’ve just said is one of the most insanely idiotic things I have ever heard. At no point in your rambling, incoherent response were you even close to anything that could be considered a rational thought. Everyone in this room is now dumber for having listened to it. I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul.”
April 11, 2016: Josh Gordon FAILS ANOTHER FUCKING DRUG TEST. What a time to be alive!! Should we be surprised? I guess not. Maybe? I don’t know. He still has a chance to be reinstated, but holy shit Josh Gordon. There’s one thing you can’t do while serving a suspension for failing a drug test and that’s failing more drug tests. Here is the thing with NFL drug tests, everyone in the league knows YOU CAN STILL DO DRUGS, you just can’t fail the test. Why hasn’t one person passed that memo along to our boy?
Reports also came out that JFF and Von Miller are living together in LA, then we heard that JFF is actually living with Josh Gordon. Just a bizarre world we live in. There is no doubt in my mind he is living with Von Miller, the only difference is the Broncos are smart enough to lie and pin it on Josh Gordon. Maybe if the Browns lied over the past two years we wouldn’t be in this mess… Does Johnny know the plays? Yes, next question. Was Johnny at practice today? Yes, next question. Is Johnny sober right now? Yes, leave us the fuck alone. Instead we got, Johnny can’t pronounce the plays! Johnny drank a beer in is house! Johnny is missing and we have no idea where he is! Bottom line, it is more embarrassing to not know where your players are than it is to miss practice. The Browns trying to claim ignorance and put all the blame on Johnny for not developing is cowardly and pathetic.
Which is odd, because it’s not like our owner got busted by the FBI and then tried to claim ignorance or anything…. God I hate this team.
All in all we are off to another tremendous start of football for the New Year. I am excited for us to take a future Pro Bowler for Patriots with the 2nd pick in the draft. In Hue Jackson we trust, I guess.
END OF YEAR
WARNING: This is a long one, but it is the last one, so enjoy.
Week 17 has come and gone, in a few short weeks Super Bowl 50 will be played and then we will all cry until Bud Light Lime Season.
Without further adieu, let us take a look at our final winners and awards:
2nd Runner-up: $74 – AJ. AJ won week 3 and put together an impressive year given the fact that he was watching cricket in Kuwait for over half the football season. Pretty horrible decision to play baseball at West Point then spend your summer and over half of football season in Kuwait (heard they have some great weather in August) only to come back to America when it’s freezing ass cheeks and football is over. Bet you wish you could have that one back. Despite that terrible decision, you were smart enough to win 3rd place in Folbies, which is really more important than anything else in life. Job well done and of course thank you for your service.
1st Runner-up: $148 – David T (#BBHMM). The man who chose the abbreviation for Bitch Better Have My Money as his name will end up getting back his money and then some. DT was our weekly winner a record 3 times this year and was our first ever back to back weekly winner. After a lack-luster middle of the season DT used a strong second half to claim 2nd place. I can only assume you will use all of this money to buy Ciroc and pineapple juice. Please let me know when you do, I would love to join and/or see it on your snap story.
Winner of $518: Miss Universe 2015-16 is…. Tom J. Tom, a two-time weekly winner, had a strong and consistent year and spent the better half of the season in first place. Tom really separated himself from the group midway through the season and all but locked up 1st place in week 16 before pooping his pants with that week 17 performance. Regardless, with a pants full of poop and a bed full of piss, Tom gets to celebrate in all his glory as this years’ Folbies International winner. My advice is to take all $500 and buy bottle service then use your next paycheck on a new mattress. Congratulations Tom, you have bragging rights for 1 year.
The Real MVP: $0 – Bob A (BroadRippleBobby). Bob was sitting in 2nd place for what seemed like the entire year. He even spent a few weeks in first. He lost multiple shots at weekly wins via the tiebreakers and while he put together a strong year he pooped his pants one too many times down the stretch and allowed AJ and DT to sneak up behind him and take his money. This year Bob won’t be remembered for his efforts in Folbies but for living up to his name “BroadRippleBobby.” Bob has been on an absolute heater with the ladies, prompting the hashtag #ProudOfBobby to go viral throughout the nation. For all of us in Folbies with wives, GF’s, or fiances, you Bob, are the real MVP. #ProudOfBobby
Worst Organization: $0 – The Cleveland Browns. Incredible and honestly humorous rumors about my new best friend Billy Manziel, which again makes my predictions correct that he is trying to get cut. I do not believe for one second that he had a concussion. Jerry Jones called him over the weekend and said “Johnny, show up to work on Wednesday and tell em your head hurts, then miss treatment and fly to Vegas, when the dust settles, I’ll sign you.” Sad but true. If Johnny is gone I will cry for a long time. Hopefully the Browns make the right decision and hire Jesus as their next head coach. That is the only possible way this franchise can turn around. They are already off to a good start filling player personnel slots with two Harvard grads, that’s right, Harvard, ever heard of it? Sashi Brown (Harvard Law) is basically a lawyer/analytics guy who has only been with the NFL’s two best franchises, the Browns and the Jaguars. Paul Depodesta (Harvard ’95) comes to us from the New York Mets… yeah the Mets. Not the Giants or Jets, the fucking Mets. BUT BUT he worked for Billy Beane in #moneyball and was portrayed in the movie by Jonah Hill (last I checked the A’s still haven’t won the World Series). So if you are scoring at home, yes, our QB is wearing a wig and we currently have a lawyer, Jonah Hill, and a weasel who owns truck stops running a football team. Just another day in Cleveland. Can’t wait to hire a coordinator, draft a shitty QB and start all over again in 2-3 years!!! Lets go Browns!
Best Organization: $0 – Folbies International. What a year we had. Thank you to everyone for great participation. Unlike the Browns, it was a year of growth and progression. We had our largest group yet in the 3 year history of Folbies and welcomed many firsts. Our first member of the service (AJ, 3rd place), a black group member and first 3 time weekly winner (2nd place, DT), our first gay winner (1st place, Tom) and our first female member (19th place, Daniel Haber).
I hope everyone will be back next year for the 4th year of Folbies International NFL Pick-em. Again, thank you all for a great year, see you all in September!
Week 17 is here. Doom’s day. Nobody wanted this to happen, but here we are. Make your finals picks for a chance to be our last weekly winner. There will be a final recap sent next week. There is no TNF, all games are on Sunday, so please forget to make all picks so I can sneak into the top 10.
Congratulations to Jace on winning week 16. Some of you might say “Hey, that’s not fair, Tom won via the tiebreaker!!” Well folks, two things. First, Jace picked the Ravens. So while the mathematical tiebreaker may have gone to Tom, there is no way to measure respect, but Jace surely earned all of ours with that pick. Second and most importantly, from week 1, Tom has sent me a snapchat every Tuesday morning showing his standing in Folbies vs my standing in Folbies. After a long year of putting up with Tom and his now unwelcome friends from Elmhurst (who could actually take all the cash) I am awarding this week to Jace. Suck it, Tom.
On to Jace. Kid picked the Ravens, I don’t know what to say. Some might say that’s the dumbest move ever, but it worked out. Some might say proposing to your girlfriend right after college is the dumbest move ever, but that’s exactly what Jace did. So hopefully that works out too. Congrats on winning $5, hope you invest this wisely to one day buy your freedom back. Never forget our fallen comrade College Jace, who would hook up with anything and everything, including big girls, hairy girls, red heads, and the occasional girl that looked like a guy, aka the ole switcheroo. Jace will bring his signature “stalk and wait” move and the classic “send out a group blackberry message to 7 girls then get individual responses” play into the hall of fame with him. There will never be another College Jace, RIP.
Looking Back: Coulda shoulda woulda beat the Chiefs, same basically goes for the entire year. All you need to know is that again we saw max effort from Johnny, he ran for over 100 but at the end of the day he can’t catch his own passes, block for himself, or play defense. So we lose again, what else is new.
Moving forward: Sadly I think Johnny’s days in Cleveland could be numbered. With his latest video being released (which is him singing and drinking what appears to be a diet pepsi) I think he is actively trying to get himself traded and/or cut. I mean honestly it is a smart move. Being in any other city besides Cleveland is a great career move when it comes to success in the NFL and at this point he could probably go to Canada for a year, rip apart the CFL and increase his stock in the NFL. So really there is no doubt in my mind that with each video that goes out, a check from Jerry Jones comes in because it’s all a part of the plan to get Johnny out of Cleveland and back to Texas where he belongs.
If Johnny leaves I will probably cry and that isn’t an exaggeration. Gandolf said it in The Hunger Games, “Hope, it is the only thing stronger than fear.” No Johnny, no hope, just tears.
We have one game left, it’s against Shittsburgh who DESPERATELY needs a win after the loss to Baltimore (LOL). I see a royal ass-beating or perhaps the greatest day of our lives coming this Sunday. Pretty simple, Johnny beats Pittsburgh, Pittsburgh misses the playoffs, Johnny stays. LFG!!
Merry Christmas! Special CHRISTMAS EVE FOOTBALL!!!! What a time to be alive! Chargers head over to Oakland for a game no one gives a fuck about but its Christmas eve and there is football and I can’t think of two things that make me any happier.
Congratulations to Robert M. on snaking his way to victory here in week 15. Bobby broke a 7 way tie to win via the tiebreaker and just edged out the late Paul S. for the win. Bobby is a man of simple pleasures including an addiction to chewing tobacco. Not sure what the going rate for dip is these days Bobby, but hopefully this $5 can cop you a fresh pouch of cherry pouches to start the holiday off right.
Looking Back: Manziel lives. If you watched that game, you saw clearly the kid can ball. The Browns skill players belong in the arena league and Johnny still kept it close for as long as he could. Tons of drops which kill you when you are playing the Seahawks. The Browns deployed several cutting edge strategies on offense including the rare but always exciting “unblocked defensive linemen” play and the frequent “don’t block the blitzing LB” play. Johnny executed flawlessly. On defense the Browns played well about 70% of the time actually but were gashed repeatedly when they shifted into the “don’t cover Doug Baldwin” front and were burned a few times running their “nobody within 10 yds of the WR” defense. All 4 strategies are not seen elsewhere around the league, but that’s the change we need in Cleveland.
Moving Forward: I expect Johnny to continue to play with great effort. Question his alcoholism all you want, but the guy gives 110% each time he gets on the field. Hopefully the next two teams won’t play keep away like the Seahawks did and we can see more of him, because he was honestly exciting to watch on Sunday and if the Browns trade him I’ll cry.
Lastly, Merry Christmas to all, Jews and Gentiles alike. Christmas is the season just as Cleveland is the reason. (wow, I’m coining that and putting it on an ugly sweater immediately). According to the Google, this year is the 1679th Christmas. That means Christmas leads Hanukkah 1679-0. Everyone have a safe and happy holiday. I hope everyone gets drunk on eggnog and loses every pick!
Weekly reminder to submit your picks. J-boogie, Doug Martin, and Lovie Smith take on Todd Gurley, Todd Gurley, and Todd Gurley. Should be interesting to see how Todd Gurley does. Winston has been must watch football this year, tons of weird shit happening in Bucs games, this should be fun.
Congratulations to Brian M (Paul is ugly) on winning the week. He may be the largest/most successful member of the group. Playing OT at 6’4″ 305lbs (He has shrunk since then, I think he is 6’3″ 400 now, right buddy?) he was all-state at Loyola and went on to grab All-Big Ten honors twice at Northwestern. Sadly, it has been all downhill from there, Mulroe is losing a battle with Grey Hair. In fact, he is the greyest man in this group and that includes my 57 year old father. Not even going to send you the $5 just going to buy you some Just For Men as an early Christmas gift.
Looking Back: I was too generous in my prediction, the Niners scored 10 points, not 12. HUGE win for the Browns on both a happy and sad day for Cleveland. Sad because it is so obvious that Johnny should have been playing the entire time. I could have had an entire season of autographed $100 bills and first down pistols. Instead I got Josh McCown (he played as well as he could) and Austin Davis. Also, the Browns were INCREDIBLY disrespected by Red Zone this week. 3 separate times I heard Scott Hanson say “No one in the edzone right now so we will take you to…” meanwhile the Browns were currently in the redzone. Whatever, we win, you lose so it is still a happy day. Welcome back my best friend, John Manziel.
Announcement: Services for the 2015 Cincinnati Bengals will be held sometime this week, we will keep you posted on wake/funeral times and venues.
Moving Forward: “Russell Wilson has 100 touchdowns in his last 4 games!” “Seahawks are on fire!” “Seattle is back!” Fact: Russell Wilson’s stats for the last 4 games: 0 Sex 0 Autographs of $100 bills. LOL what a stiff! Browns are gonna beat the shit out of the Seahawks! Also, 3 of the 4 games were vs Baltimore, San Fran, and a banged up/fraud Minnesota team. In all honesty, this will be a great test for Johnny and the Browns as a whole. Very interested to see how hard a 3-win team will play for Johnny/Mike Pettine. We close with Seattle, KC, and Pittsburgh, all teams vying for the playoffs so I do not expect us to win, but I do expect us to compete. That said, don’t be surprised when the Browns shock the world though and win in Seattle. No Rawls, no Lynch, no sex, no wins for Seattle this week.
One more thought. I actually think A.J. McCarron could work out for the Bengals. If they fall assbackwards into two decent/possibly good QB’s I will be irate. Browns can’t get one in 20 years, meanwhile, our little brother could end up with two. Bullshit. THAT SAID, talent/potential aside, google AJ McCarron Chest Tattoo and you will never respect this man or his GF.
Filling in for Paul this week (RIP) is his understudy Saul. Please kindly welcome Saul to the group. Thank you in advance. See below from Saul:
Congrats to David (#BBHMM) on winning for the second week in a row and the third time this year. David has no penis (am I doing this right?).
Looking Back: Austin Davis gets added to the infamous list of Browns starting QB’s and produces 3 points. How he didn’t get pulled is beyond me. Not putting Manziel in the game is the most childish move I can think of. All year Pettine has claimed the QB decision was based on giving the team the best chance to win. Great, I want to win. If McCown or Davis give you the best chance to win, play them. However, the minute it becomes very clear that Austin Davis does NOT give you any chance to win (which I would argue was last Monday when he threw the ball directly to the Ravens – they dropped it – or when HE SLID IN BOUNDS with 40 seconds left) you put Johnny in. I would argue to the death in a court of law, that Manziel’s decision to party on the bye week was/is/always will be, a more intelligent move than to slide in bounds there. Davis should’ve been taken off the field immediately, cut from the team and hired as a member of our front office. That is how stupid that was.
Instead, Mike Pettine hung the entire city of Cleveland out to dry this weekend. Embarrassed at home by Andy Dalton. And why? So he can be the bigger man and prove a point? Dude, this is shit my sophomore baseball coach wouldn’t even pull. We had two starters get detention and show up to the game 5 minutes before first pitch for a game. Coach’s rules were all year, if you were late you were benched pretty simple. Well guess what coach looked at his lineup, realized the backups sucked, made the starters run a lap and 4 minutes later they were trotting out to left and right field for the game. Why? Because he may not have known much about baseball, but damnit he wanted to win. And when you want to win you play your guys, easy as that. My fuck you of the week goes out to you Mike Pettine.
Moving Forward: I am PRAYING we beat SF this week. For 2 reasons. 1 If we lose to the fucking Niners at home (lol Bears) I’ll check myself into a psych ward. 2. Draft position. The Browns own the league’s worst record at 2-10. We CANNOT have the first pick in the draft. Absolutely cannot. This is not a QB draft. If we have the first pick we will take a QB and he will suck. Picture this real quick: WR1 Josh Gordon WR2 Terrelle Pryor in the slot you have Hawkins and Benjamin. In the backfield you have Manziel and then insert Zeke Elliot or Derrick Henry, paired with Duke Johnson. Andy Dalton just started crying he is so scared. Not saying Manziel is the future (he is) but this is not a QB draft don’t force it. Part of me wants them to draft Cardale Jones just so that Goodell has no choice but to step in and remove the team from existence.
Manziel is back this week and with that here is my prediction: Browns 100 Niners 12
SPECIAL: OFFICIAL OBITUARY
From the office of Paul S:
There is no write up this week. Paul died late Monday evening, murdered by the kick-six (for which the Ravens were lined up offsides and possibly stepped out of bounds on – find clear undisputed evidence attached. Our condolences to his family. #prayforpaul
David Thomas (#BBHMM) won week 12, someone from our office will be in contact with you shortly.
Lastly, we want you all to know that two weeks ago, Paul said the Browns should bring Terrelle Pryor back in… yesterday the Browns brought Terrelle Pryor back in. Kid was the oracle of Cleveland, he will be missed.
Sincerely, Folbies Intl Management
Week 12 is here and that means football, turkey, and diabetes. This week features three Thursday games, so make sure you get those games selected, if not, great I need everyone to miss those games actually.
Congrats to my cousin Jimmy on his week 11 win! Young James is currently a senior at Dayton and has a better life than all of us. Two weeks ago he texted me “tried my first redhead.” Followed up several days later with a “had to crush the formal date” text with a picture of him looking extra sweaty as his Dayton 9 (real life 6.5) formal date hangs all over him. What a life Jimbo, live it up while it lasts because because before you know it, the best part of your week will be reading the Folbies email. Unfortunately, you still owe me $100 from vegas, so instead of winning $5 I’ll be sending you a venmo request for $95.
Looking back: Johnny was demoted to 3rd string yesterday as TMZ released a video (fuck TMZ but more on that later) of him partying… “The Browns WILL NOT lose this week. Feared matchup with Bye Week and I take it back, the Browns might still actually find a way to lose this week (because we fucking suck)…” I might be an oracle. The amount of times I have perfectly predicted the Browns performance this year is incredible, but I digress. What’s important here is the fact that the Browns just lost to Bye Week. Nearly impossible to do. Only in Cleveland can the Washington Generals beat the Harlem Globetrotters. I hate this team so goddamn much. I understand both sides of it, but holy shit THIS IS THE NFL! Last time I checked, even Voris (feared HC of the Butler Bulldogs) wouldn’t bench someone, who is of age, and drinking during his time off. Incredible that I allow myself to be continually surprised by the ineptitude of this franchise. The Browns are not just the worst franchise in sports, but simply the worst organization in the entire world.
Moving Forward: A few call outs. Starting at the top. Mike Pettine, I respect you taking a stand, but fuck you for ruining MNF for me. If Johnny is not on the football field in week 13, I will call for your head… Next up, Johnny. Johnny, the Browns haven’t been on MNF SINCE 2009! You have an extra week to prepare for a rivalry MNF game, maybe, just maybe, we could sit this weekend out? Watch some film? Play some video games? Do anything BUT go to Texas and party? Three weeks ago you smashed your GF’s head into a car window and NOBODY CARED. Literally do anything but party and we are ok… Finally, TMZ. Dear TMZ, kindly fuck yourself. Have you ever provided the world with anything good? Honestly, I can’t think of one thing that has come out of TMZ that hasn’t intentionally tried to ruin someone’s life. Scumbag city.
ESPN is the real loser in all of this. Anyone who watched Pats-Bills saw the MNF commercials that were literally just Johnny. Usually they do a mashup of both teams, not this week, it was literally only Johnny. With no Flacco and no Johnny, America literally cannot name one player on either roster. Hilarious.
All of that aside, if I lose to Matt Schaub and Marc Trestman, I’ll literally kill myself.
Lastly, little fun fact for all of you, the Browns and Jets starred in the first ever MNF game back in 1970 and the Browns beat that ass 31-21
Forward march to week 11. Possibly the worst Thursday matchup to date. Bald Bortles takes on Mariota and the Titans. Jags fresh off a win vs Marc Trestman. Titans looking to prove their worth, should be a thriller.
Congratulations to my good friend Jeff C. (GOAT T-Richardson). No surprise that the GOAT T-Rich has won the week, Jeff is a Cleveland native and is known for his sound decision making. Jeff once purchased an authentic #33 Trent Richardson Browns jersey and before he could take the tags off (literally it still has the tags on it) the GOAT was traded to the Colts. Jeff followed up that move with another endorsement for Cleveland running backs and purchased an authentic #44 Ben Tate jersey. Tate was promptly released and Jeff was left with two pristine jerseys and about a $500 hole in his pocket. $5 is your’s Jeff, hope this helps buy you a Terrance West jersey.
Looking Back: Sunday brought us a Browns team with no running game and a horribly blown “down at the inch line” call by the refs. With no solid video evidence either way, it can’t be overturned so the call on the field is the only thing that matters. How do you not give Johnny the benefit of the doubt there? First off, he scored. Secondly, if you call a TD it is automatically reviewed, instead you force us to use a challenge. Dick move by that ref. I really do hope he gets food poisoning soon. TD makes it 21-10, Steelers FG then CLE TD makes it 24-17. MUCH different than 24-9. Of course we missed the PAT because, Cleveland. I hate the refs, I hate this team. The entire game was “Cleveland” from the get go. Hurting Landry Jones was the worst thing we could have done. Having the ball on the inch line after Johnny’s run only to go backwards 30 FUCKING YARDS in 3 plays is just embarrassing and so Cleveland it still pisses me off on a Wednesday while writing an email to my friends.
Moving Forward: The Browns WILL NOT lose this week. Feared matchup with Bye Week and I take it back, the Browns might still actually find a way to lose this week (because we fucking suck). At least it won’t be on TV. The Browns did name Johnny the starter for the remainder of the season which is nice. It’s also nice that we kept Josh McCown on the roster after the trade deadline only to sit him on the sideline for (probably) the next year and a half while we finally get to see what Johnny can do. Browns should’ve traded McCown for a 6th rounder, drafted me as running back/head coach and then Jeff could buy my jersey before I play on four different teams and eventually flame out of the league…
Side note, when will the Browns resign Terrelle Pryor? Who is the tallest active receiver on the Browns? I’m glad you asked. It’s Brian Hartline who is WHITE and 6’2″. 6 FUCKING 2!” The tallest wideout on the Cleveland Browns, an NFL team, six foot two. There are five receivers on the current Loyola roster, yes my high school, that are 6’3 or above. Pryor stands 6’4″ and is an athletic freak. We have the worst skill players in the league, it’s not like you have to pay him anything, he’s working out and smoking weed with Josh Gordon. I see nothing but upside. Best case, it works out and HOLY SHIT Josh Gordon and Terrelle Pryor on the outside? Good luck, schmucks.
Week 10 here we go! Jets vs Bills on Thursday night, Rex Ryan vs Rex Ryan.
Congratulations to Jared S. (One Man Thrillride) our weekly winner! My god does he need this. Jared is a coworker of mine and like most of us here, he also peaked in high school. Jared was a self-appointed captain of his baseball team at St. Charles North High School. Jared also self-appointed himself as the “most popular boy” at INSERT EMPLOYER HERE start training. He now spends every waking moment outside the office in the gym. If you know who Trey Parker is (co-creator of South Park) picture him on steroids and that’s basically Jared. Jared is also actually on steroids. As a result, he claims to now have “the most worthless penis in Chicago.” Congrats on the 5 dollars Jared. Hope this money helps you find some Viagra or whatever it is you are looking for in the gym.
Looking Back: If you will remember I declared the Browns dead in week 4 and at the time the Browns sat at 1-2. Quick update, still dead. The Browns are now 2-7 (STAY HOT) and were just embarrassed by Fuckface Dalton on national TV Thursday night. Some positives – Johnny didn’t look terrible and were in it for about 3 quarters playing with 3rd stringers in the secondary. So perhaps better things to come if the defense gets healthy. Negatives, we did jack shit at the trade deadline. Mingo and Kruger could’ve easily been moved for some draft picks but instead will sit on the roster only to be released at the end of the year. This organization continues to baffle me with their decision making.
Moving Forward: We got our first response from my dad (The Faj) last week. Honestly didn’t think you read these Dad, but since you do you I will ask for 1 of 2 things to happen. 1. Buy the Browns. It is ridiculous how quickly we could turn the franchise around. Change the uniforms back and draft players who don’t suck/can learn plays. Problem solved. That is the first ask. The second ask is simply to send me money. Anything. $5 will help. For those of you who don’t know. I went to Vegas this weekend won approximately 0 hands of blackjack and went about 1-7 at the sportsbook (big shout out to Minnesota for covering 23.5 against the Buckeyes). Overall, it is safe to say my statement of “don’t be surprised when the Browns win and my entire life turns around,” could not have been more wrong.
Brownies take on Pittsburgh this week. Rapesthebergers is questionable, Labias Bell is out, I like our odds, but at this point I really don’t even care. I do hope they win just so I can take another dump on Haber in the write up next week.
SPECIAL RESPONSE FROM THE ONE AND ONLY “FAJ” AKA MY DAD:
Wow – Daniel…that’s a lot of abuse just to win $5. Speaking of abuse – I hope all of you will sympathize with me and my son when the sad state of our hometown football franchise is put on national display about 24 hours from now. We can only DREAM of an Andy Dalton. So what if he can’t win in the playoffs (PLAYOFFS? You wanna talk playoffs – what’s that?).
While our commissioner is certainly supportive of our Division III-sized, QB I believe that at some point tomorrow night I will feel much like Johnny’s girlfriend: wanting to hurl myself out of a speeding car or have my head bashed into the windshield. I predict one of the teams in orange will win – but I’ve lost the ability to pick.
Congrats to Daniel H. (never thought I would type those words) who won week 8. Sometimes it’s better to be lucky than good. Lotta close games so for a kid who watches twice as much women’s soccer as he does football, it is only fitting that he wins a week where almost every game was essentially a coin flip. For those of you who don’t know Daniel, he is the kind of kid that thinks vaginas are “ewie” and has been quoted saying “we need more dudes” at a party. Not much else to be said, I think we are all collectively ashamed for having lost to this man, regardless, $5 is yours Daniel, way to go.
Looking Back: I think I sneaky had the worst weekend of my life. It didn’t feel like the worst weekend of my life, but I think it may have been. Saturday I was told to dress up as Charlie Brown by my girlfriend and Sunday 6 of my 8 losses were on last second field goals. Def should kill myself right? It wasn’t much better for the Browns as they felt pretty good about things too when they went up 20-7 with 5 minutes left in the 1st half. Promptly missed the PAT and gave up 27 unanswered to lose by 14. Well done guys, well done.
Moving Forward: I have never been more personally disrespected in my entire life than I am this week. The Browns are 11 point dawgs in a divisional game on a short week. I don’t care how bad the Browns are, this line is ABSURD. On paper the Browns have no business winning this game. The Bengals are 7-0, and playing great football. The Browns suck dog penis and are just losers in general. However, on 11/6/14 the Browns walked into Cincinnati, pulled down their pants and took a giant dump on everyone in that city and won 24-3. Fast forward to 11/6/15 The clock will strike midnight for Andy Dalton and his flaming orange hair. The Browns almost always split their season series with the Bengals (4/5 last years have been split) and half the stadium will be Browns fans anyway. Oh and that Johnny Football guy? Ever heard of him? Yeah he’s now our starter BIG TIME revenge spot for him. Not saying the Browns are going to win (they’ll prolly lose by 12) but don’t be surprised when they do and my entire life turns around.
I have horrible news. Week 8 is here, which means come Monday, the season is half over. Good news, this week’s Thursday night matchup should actually be a good one, Patriots on the “Kill Everyone Tour” and Dolphins actually beating ass with their new coach Richie Incognito’s brother.
Joe B is our first two time winner and since I don’t actually know Joe, I think that means I have to kill him right? I now owe this guy $10 total on the year and he currently sits in first place. So seriously, since Tom is the only person who knows him, I may just kick him out of the group, anyone opposed just respond to this email with literally anything (spoiler alert, you’re getting kicked out Joe).
Looking Back: The Browns stink like poop. Fumble return for a TD on basically the first play of the game followed by another turnover and we immediately dug ourselves into a comfy 10 point hole. Not saying we would’ve won that game, but 14-6 is a lot more doable than 24-6. Last week we gave Denver 10 points early too and still should have won that game. So now for what could be the most shocking news of the year… the Browns are underachieving. What a day to be alive.
Moving Forward: The Browns should call it a season. Put Johnny in and let’s finally see what he’s got. If you think this kid spent 3 months in rehab this off season you might be brain dead. Rehab = Gruden passing camp. As for his recent run-in with the law; I have met Colleen Crowley (asker her for a picture one time at a Cleveland bar) and this just in, she is a woman, so I’m not surprised she’s a lunatic who tried to jump out of a moving car. More importantly, whoever called the cops on Johnny needs to be killed yesterday. I’m legitimately surprised someone would snitch on Johnny in Cleveland, however, HUGE props to the cop who let him go after he admitted to drinking earlier that day. You sir, get a raise.
Browns play the Cardinals this week. Cardinals are good team, but Cleveland knows Carson Palmer well and the Cardinals are crossing time zones on a short week for a 10AM body clock kick off. Probably not enough to help the Browns here but I feel like this could be a personal foul or two away (courtesy of the honey badger) from the Browns weaseling their way to a win…
Week 7 has arrived. Seahawks vs 9ers tomorrow night, get your pick in. Remember when Russell Wilson did those “What are your dreams?” insurance commercials that JJ Watt is doing now? Apparently winning games and having sex with Ciara aren’t his dreams… no way he’s gay though… OR he and JJ Watt (who won’t have sex with Lindsey Pelas, google her) were totally gay together at Wisco for a semester and BOOM I just solved the NFL’s greatest most obvious mystery.
Here lies Tom J. Beloved husband to his husband, friend, bed wetter, champion of the “ice-out”, creator of the “Tom J” (tequila sprite), poster boy for getting naked and passing out in closets. Tom – who placed a Patriots first half moneyline bet with his friend Paul – was murdered in cold blood Sunday night by fluke pick 6 and a referee who called the first and probably only offensive pass interference call of the entire year as time expired in the first half. Tom has died and passed from this world, but he has risen in a rebirth that could only be brought about by winning $5 as the Folbies weekly winner. We are glad to have you Ghost of Tom, congratulations on your win.
Looking Back: The Browns Broncos game was the craziest pro football game I have ever attended. Pick 6’s, some great defense, some horrible offense, big plays, coaching blunders, controversial calls, this game was all over the place. It can all be summed up by this simple fact: The browns sole OT possession 3 Plays -18 yards. I would like to point out that I stated the Browns might not cross the 50 all game.. Under their own doing they crossed the Denver 48 one time in the first half and promptly threw a pick 6.
Moving Forward: Los Rams. As friend and confidant Jack D (Michelle Kwan) mentioned to me, the Browns are due for a blowout. I am afraid he could be right. The Rams defense is scary and come in with a rating anywhere from “Plan-B Pill” to “Pregnancy test” (Broncos last week were rated “Pregnancy test”). Gurley is a beast and the Browns rush defense is not the best. We are coming off two OT games while the Rams are fresh off the bye. Everything pointing to the Rams here. They will be pumped up in front of their half capacity home crowd, Foles is good for at least 10 Cleveland points and I told you Browns were due for a blowout. 42-15 BROWNS WILL WIN!!!!
Mr. Joe B is our weekly winner this week and currently holds on to first place. As friend of Tom, I can only assume he likes wetting the bed and passing out naked in closets.
Looking Back: Browns win in Baltimore, if only we had someone to predict that win and tell all of his friends about it…. I said that +6.5 was the easiest cash anyone could ever make and there was never a doubt. Perhaps some doubt when we were down 21-9 but really never a doubt. Josh McCown made Flacco his bitch, Gary Barnaidge pulled a football out of his ass #ButtTouchdown, Mike Pettine took a dump on Marc Trestman, and even when the Browns tried so hard to not win at the end of regulation with some of the WORST clock management I have seen (especially from a 55 year old QB), we still waltzed down the field in OT and let Travy Coons knock home the game winner. What a day to be alive! Bury me in Cleveland!
Moving Forward: Here lies Peyton Manning, the Sheriff, the GOAT, the face of Papa John’s. Peyton will always be remembered as the father of Indy’s children, Lucas Oil will always be the house that Manning built. At his peak he was the best to ever do it. Can anyone think of a better ending to this story than a gloomy death on the cold shores of Lake Erie? I certainly cannot. I wish the Browns still had last year’s defense but we still have Kruger and Whitner and one of them will put their helmet in Manning’s chest plate this Sunday and that will be all she wrote. Collectively, we will mourn the death of a football legend, and honor him by most likely not crossing the 50yd line.
The Broncos defense is the scarier than a pregnancy test and they should win this game on the backs of that D (again). BUT we have Travis Coons and we are in a great spot. The Broncos will surely be looking ahead to next week’s matchup with Bye Week and who would ever want to start their vacation in Cleveland? If we can draw enough pass interference calls to get into FG range, we could steal one. X-FACTOR, I will be in Cleveland this weekend to bless the body of Lord Manning as he passes on.
My apologies for not getting this out yesterday, regardless week 5 is here. Don’t look now but the season is 1/4 over, yikes. Anyways, Thursday night matchup between the Colts and the Texans tonight. Again, yikes.
Congrats to our boy DT (#BBHMM) for posting a 12 spot and taking the crown, despite missing his pick for the Jets – Dolphins London game. Those who know DT from college know him best for his famous broken penis incident (David has made a full recovery since) and for being a RB and the best kickoff contain man for the beloved Butler Bulldogs. It should be noted that David is the only black member of the group and brings great diversity to our pick set. We thank you for your participation David.
Looking Back: “…and holy shit Travis Coons (our kicker) and the Browns just walked into San Diego and beat the Chargers.” Travis Coons statline: FG 4/4 XP 1/1. Well I was right about one thing. In the most Cleveland way possible, the Browns jumped off sides on the missed game-winning field goal by SD, allowing them to line back up, drill it home, and send the Browns packing with another loss. Classic Cleveland.
Moving Forward: Considering a move to Oakland what do you guys think? Sticking with the Browns for one more week because there is actually zero chance the Browns lose this weekend. The Ravens needed 100 missed field goals and some of the worst coaching calls in the history of Thursday night football to beat the Steelers. Pittsburgh has one of the worst secondaries in the league and Flaming Flacco only mustered 189 yd. Steve Smith is now out with a broken back, and Marc Trestman is still on the payroll, what else do you need? Josh McCown’s brain seems to have returned to full use after his week 1 death. Browns +6.5 is quite possibly the easiest bet of the entire century. I get the Ravens have 10 days prep but in reality, that just means Trestman has 3 extra days to install some cool new bubble screens. Browns win in Baltimore this week.
Week 4 is quickly upon us. Michael Vick vs Flaccid Flacco tomorrow night. Who would’ve ever thought that Marc Trestman and Joe Flacco wouldn’t have the Ravens reeling in the wins? Anyway, get your picks in for that game and all the rest. I also highly recommend a creep session on Chloe Trestman’s Instagram, but who are we kidding, I didn’t need to tell any of you that.
Congrats to AJ for winning the big bucks this week. As we noted earlier, AJ is currently in Kuwait picking winners and slaying ISIS in his free time. HOWEVER, it should be noted that AJ is not famous for his service but rather for drinking himself retarded and peeing in Tom’s bed when he came to visit Butler. Peed straight through Tom’s waterproof bed cover (because Tom pisses himself regularly too). People don’t forget AJ, congrats on winning the week.
Looking back: Cleveland Browns 2015, final record: 1-2. As we look back on the season that was, we remember… a death in week 1, the excitement of a sensational win in week 2, and a revival gone wrong in week 3. I will always remember the 2015 season like I have every other season for my entire life – with great frustration, disappointment, disgust, and false hope for next year.
Moving forward: We don’t. The Browns season is over.
When you start off 1-2 after playing the Jets, Titans, and Raiders, it is time to cancel football in Cleveland. Only the Colts are worse than us but even they have Andy Luck. Jimmy Haslem will trot us out for the next 13 weeks so that he can make some money, but do not be fooled, our season is over. Browns head west to SD this weekend. I see a career day for Melvin Gordon and Philly Rivers yelling like a maniac after his 7th touchdown pass (1 for each of his children). I also see the Browns messing around, getting some pressure on Rivers, Gordon fumbles a few times and holy shit Travis Coons (our kicker) and the Browns just walked into San Diego and beat the Chargers. Back to reality, I’m taking up arts and crafts on the weekends, someone wake me up when that Manziel guy is back.
Week 3 is here, tomorrow we will see Kirk Cousins and the feared Redskins take on Eli Manning and his inability to count.
Congrats to my coworker and our defending champ, Brian S (Stampedin Horses) who was our weekly winner for week 2. Brian has consistently asserted his dominance over us the past few years which is incredibly frustrating seeing as he played soccer in college and doesn’t even like football. Congrats to Brian, hope you use the $5 to buy the next FIFA game.
Looking back: The only person who had a worse week than me (4 wins) was Marcus Mariota (0 wins). The Browns tossed him around like a rag doll and he fumbled 3 times (2 more than Josh McCown this year). Welcome to the NFL and welcome to Cleveland #PrayForMarcus. If you picked Tennessee last week, I simply do not respect you.
Moving forward: The Browns take on the Raaaaiiiidddeeerrrsss this week. Oakland, fresh off their win against the inmates from the Baltimore City Detention Center, has to be feeling confident about their group of young talent. DO NOT BE FOOLED. Joe Flacco is a clown. I am confident that our very own Jack D (Michelle Kwan) could have QB’ed the inmates to a win last weekend. Unlike Mariota, Derek Carr has been to Cleveland before and it did not end well turning the ball over 3 times on his way to a 23-13 loss. I predict it will be twice as bad this year, 6 Oakland turnovers and a 46-0 loss to the Ghost McCown led Browns. #CarrCrash #JoshLives
Congratulations to my roomie Matt H. (funkhouser) for winning week 1. Matt is currently in the process of growing out his mustache, which can be the only thing driving his success so far. I will shave him in his sleep tomorrow night, problem solved. For now, $5 is all yours Matt, well done.
The only person who ended their week 1 worse than Eli was my dad (The Faj). After jumping out to 12 points and the early lead. He proceeded to lose on the Giants (thanks Eli), the Eagles (cool field goal team Chip) and the Vikings (Carlos Hyde>>>).
We will all look to rebound next week and take home the riches. That includes the Browns who are currently mourning the death of Josh McCown. McCown was helicoptered on his way to the end zone and proceeded to fumble and die. Sad scene but as we all know that means Johnny Football gets another start. Say what you will about how awesome he looked throwing that TD or how bad he looked basically every other play after that, the Browns WILL WIN this weekend.
As I am sure you have all seen Jesus Mariota took the field for Tennessee in a scrimmage against a Division 3 school dressed as the Buccaneers. Mariota has never been to Cleveland, probably can’t even point it out on a map. The Dawg Pound will chew him up and shit him out. RIP Marcus Mariota, RIP Josh McCown. #WinForJosh
Alas, football is finally here. I would like to welcome both our new and returning members to the 3rd Annual Folbies International NFL Pick’em Contest. Our defending champion Brian S. (Stampedin Horses) is back and we will all be chasing after his crown.
This year we are truly an international organization as we welcome AJ who is a West Point grad, and is currently in Kuwait serving our blessed U.S. of A. I hope uncle sam ponied up to get you guys Redzone. Special thanks goes out to AJ and all of his boys for keeping us safe.
Look for the Browns to win vs the Jets week 1 and by win I mean lose. Ryan Fitzpatrick vs Josh McCown is an electric match-up. I think the Brownies win in an absolute battle full of offensive competency. Evenly matched on defense look for special teams to be a factor here. Also CANNOT forget the Browns o-line coach is currently being investigated for strangling a woman so if you are looking for an X-factor, there you have it. Browns by 7.