What a journey it has been. I would like to thank everyone for playing, I hope you enjoyed the ride as much as I did. We will waste no time, here is our year in review starting with a full list of weekly winners…
Week 1 – DSciortino
Week 2 – Jarvis’ Dirty Laundry
Week 3 – Michelle Kwan
Week 4 – In Mitch We Trust
Week 5 – Yunghoe Koo
Week 6 – Jamie Collins Sr
Week 7 – Sean Salisbury
Week 8 – Dsciortino (2)
Week 9 – Thank You Bobby
Week 10 – Tuna
Week 11 – Tjudge
Week 12 – Haber29
Week 13 – The Faj
Week 14 – Jarvis’ Dirty Laundry (2)
Week 15 – Jared’s Picks
Week 16 – Thank You Bobby (2)
Week 17 – Thank You Bobby (3)
LVP – Michelle Kwan (Jack) – Consistency has been this man’s calling card since college graduation in 2013. Unfortunately, it has been a consistent fall from the top. Once a chiseled Division 1 college athlete who had sex, Jack now has no sex. He has added weight and lost both hair and countless hours of life to his job. He can no longer take solace in his Colts, they won 4 games and he has been forced to watch his friend, Sean Salisbury, kill the Butler Basketball program. Jack’s only joys in life are Coors Light and a top 10 finish (9th) in Folbies. We are here for you Jack, chin up.
MVP – Mixon Some Beats (Pat W.) Pat is not known by many in this group, but those who do know him, know him as a legend. Pat has lived a storied life that saw nothing but excellence throughout 2017. Owner of several Jimmy John’s franchises, he opened a new location this year, found himself in the local paper, and even found himself in the local college dorms. That’s right. Pat lives in Champaign, Illinois home of the Fighting Illini. More than once this year Pat woke up hungover in a dorm room at 27 years of age. Don’t believe me? Look for yourself.
You may not have won a week and you finished out of the money in 8th place, but I think the group can agree, you the real MVP. Cheers to you Pat, for keeping us all young.
Most Improved – Jared’s Picks (Jared) Jared sat in 30th place in the middle of the year and finished in 5th. More importantly, in 2017 Jared reactivated his penis from a long slumber when he slept with this Russian guy (yes full on Russian). He claims this a girl, you decide for yourself – Jared is the one with his face blacked out, not the dude laying on top of him – but either way we support all love here and we are happy Jared’s penis works again! Congrats on the sex!
3rd Place ($63) – Thank You Bobby Not only did this asshole win the last two weeks, he finished 3rd on the year. I have roasted Bobby so much that for the roast of the year he will now get shit on from the people he calls his friends. Group winner Sean Salisbury was quoted saying “Eat my ass you fucking loser.” Former roommate Michelle Kwan went on record about Bobby as well, “Small dick, maybe gay.” Another former roomie Mr. Strasmore revealed that Bobby “has little hands and he lets Leichter nap with his girlfriend.” So take that Bobby, you small-dicked, tiny-handed, loser!
2nd Place ($126) – Leichter aka Joelle aka Noodle Penis. Where do we start with Joelle? I could write a dissertation on the weird shit this man does. His favorite meal is pasta with store-bought sauce from a jar. He takes girls on first dates to O’Charleys (same as Applebees). His drink of choice is Gran Legacy. He once heated up frozen shrimp alfredo and left one plate of it in my living room and the other plate under Kwan’s bed. Shrimp and cheese age very well under your bed. He looks for his girls to be walking and breathing and he doesn’t look at much else. If you look in the crack between his bed and the wall you will find a plate of old spaghetti and a plethora of used condoms – that is a true story. Congrats to you Leichter, you crazy, sick son of a bitch. Keep on livin bud.
1st Place ($441) – Sean Salisbury (Hoff) This cock is the biggest mush on planet earth. Are you an Indians fan? He’ll send you a “Indians 2017 World Series Champs” sign and they’ll lose in the division series. Are you an Indiana fan? He’ll go there for undergrad, lose to Butler every year and get your head coach fired. Are you a Butler Basketball fan? He’ll buy season tickets and the next day your coach will leave and your program will be in ruins. Are you his wife? You’ll reject him 15 times before finally agreeing to marry him because you felt bad for him and knew he’d buy you a house. Are you a Folbies member? He’ll join the group and humiliate you all in his first year as he wins the championship. From all of us here at Folbies, a sincere congratulations and a genuine fuck off.
Thank you all again for another fantastic year. I look forward to all of us coming for Hoff next year as he defends his title. Best of luck to all of you between now and September. Enjoy the playoffs while they last, on February 5th, we all die.
Until next time friends.