First week successfully in the books! A quick reminder to all, hit save!!!! Otherwise your picks do not save and you go 0-15, shoutout to 1-800-BETS-OFF. Alternatively, if you are Michelle Kwan and you plan on going 4-11 each week, maybe don’t hit save and blame it on technology.
Reminder number two, pay me! We only have four unpaid members, you know who you are, I have sent you venmo requests (and reminders). Public shaming will start next week.
Finally, get your picks in for the game tonight and all the Sunday games as well.
Congrats to our first winner of 2017, DSciortino (Danny), who also wins the award for most creative name! Danny, aka short-meat-shorty, is my cousin but that does not spare him from any roasting. Married to his GF with their one year old son (a golden retriever named Leo), freedom is a foreign concept to this man. While Leo is awesome, I cannot imagine a worse fate at 25 than marriage before the marriage. However, it may be a smart play by Dan, seeing as the mozzarella cheese that runs through our family’s blood will likely take his squatty ass from this world prior to 30. Danny likes to “shock the body” as he calls it, an exercise routine where he drinks Miller Lite and eats pizza until he actually begins to show every diabetic symptom on WebMD – real talk, we checked once. We wish you continued health Danny, take this $10 to dollar dog night and do some damage.
Looking Back: The Browns first punt of the game ended up spinning around our own end zone with a host of Steelers hopping onto it for a touchdown. The more things change the more they stay the same. Kizer looks legit, the team is headed in the right direction, they played hard, but at the end of the day, they royally fucked up something routine and it cost them the game. Stop me if you’ve heard this before…
Moving Forward: Browns head to Baltimore where I fully expect us to lose. Most importantly, I will be looking for Kizer to not shake hands with Flaccid Flacco post-game. That guy is a loser and hopefully Kizer is smart enough to realize the only things elite about Flacco are his man boobs and his ability to befriend criminals.
BONUS FUN FACT: The Indians have won 21 games in a row, to count 21 wins for the Browns you have to go back to November, 2011.
Best of luck in week 2!
– Dick Picks
P.S. LeBron gave the Tribe a shoutout last night, look for them to lose today. It was fun while it lasted….