Gentlemen, it is bittersweet to address you all for the last time in the 2016-2017 football season. What a ride it was, memories made, secrets exposed, friendships destroyed and colors rushed. Without further adieu, let’s get into our awards.
Week 17 winner: Michelle Kwan. I have reached out to who I thought was Michelle and he/she is terrified of being exposed and thus has denied any association with the nickname. So if you know any degenerate gamblers that double as an Asian figure skater let me know. If you know any grown men who may or may not be a 26 year old lawyer who still gets kicked out of clubs for doing dunkaroos with the bottle service ice buckets, let me know. If you know any guys who, as a senior, preyed on girls who had yet to finish their first college semester let me know. If you know any men whose aforementioned preying resulted in a 4 year relationship with a girl who used to be younger than the car he drove, please step forward. If there is the off chance you know a man who walks on his tiptoes and wears sweatpants everywhere that isn’t the office, let me know. Lastly, if you know a guy who can clear a state fair with a fart and has never been outside the 465 circle that surrounds the city of Indianapolis, please let me know, I would love to ID the winner and send him his five dollars.
2016-2017 Champion: #ThankYouBobby (Bob A.). The tale of #ThankYouBobby was recently told in week 12 when he broke through and won the week. We cautioned him to buy condoms and not to break through so he wouldn’t have a #BabyByBobby. Well #ThankYouBobby needs another new nickname and it’s #BugattiBobby. That is because Bobby bang so good he got a Bugatti. And by Bugatti I mean a free vacation with some girls family. Bobby woke up in a new Bugatti (Florida) with a woman’s family. For some perspective, in week 12 when Bobby won $5, he had not even met the girl he would go on vacation with over the holiday break. In basically three weeks, this girl became #AddictedToBobby and asked him to come on vacation with her family in Florida over the holidays. Bob stopped, asked himself what a psychopath would do and bought a plane ticket. As I saw beautiful pictures of Bob and his new family pop up on various social media feeds, I could not help but laugh at the misfortune of that family. For they will undoubtedly stumble upon those pictures in 5-10 years from now as they try to dig up photos for a picture board at grandpa’s funeral and there’s Bobby smiling ear to ear next to some palm trees with his arm around Mom in the middle of the family photo. Incredible. Way to go out with a bang my friend you are on the heater of all heaters. Congrats.
2016-2017 Runners-Up: AJ & Compton Gangbang. There was a tie for second place and being the cowards that they are, declined my option to pick ATS for the wildcard weekend and instead split the 2nd and 3rd place payouts. Regardless, we honor both AJ and Compton Gangbang for their exceptional pursuit of the Folbies crown.
In the offseason, AJ will look to avoid being shipped back to Kuwait where he spent the summer of 2015 and will also hope not to piss his bed more than three times before we reconvene. Think about that, lasted 9 months in Kuwait in 130 degree heat, can’t handle one night of drinking without pissing his own bed. I’m sure your commanding officer would be proud.
Compton Gangbang will likely return to business as usual this offseason, that includes drinking too much, chewing tobacco, cheering for the white sox, enjoying mixed martial arts, smelling, and drinking too much. Shocking I know, you wouldn’t associate those things with a guy who names himself Compton Gangbang. Regardless, congrats to both of you on a terrific season.
Looking Back: Browns finished the year 1-15. Despite their efforts to screw things up, we have secured the #1 pick in this years draft. No body sucks quite like us, Kings of Suck.
Moving Forward: Really excited to trade down and grab a lineman who will be out of the league or a pro bowler for the Patriots in 4 years.
A sincere thank you to all who participated this year, it really was fun. This year may not have turned out how you had hoped in the standings but we got to meet Woodchuck, and that is truly victory in itself. I love you all, I will miss you all. Goodnight, God bless, until next year.