Folks, weekly write up is here. Rams vs Seahawks Thursday night. RIP Jeff Fisher. Let’s see how the Rams react!
WC (Woodchuck) is our weekly winner… Buckle up folks, this is a dissertation on a man who has no name. A man who has lived in the shadows, until now…
Growing Up Chuck:
Since inception, there has always been the possibility of a Woodchuck write-up. Though unlikely, the possibility existed. Today it has finally come to be. And what better time than now to tell a tale of a man who I “met” almost 5 years ago today. I say “met” because I never actually met Woodchuck. Nobody did. He simply came into our lives and has remained ever since.
I first saw Woodchuck at a Christmas party pregame in the apartment of Tjudge7, Bshan and Grady our junior year of college (literally almost exactly 5 years ago). We did not speak. At the time, Woodchuck looked like this…
And ran track and/or XC (I still don’t know which one) for the Bulldogs…
A few weeks after junior year, I went to school to move my mattress into my senior house. Everyone had left campus weeks ago, I was expecting to show up to an empty house… and I did. As I was getting ready to leave, Woodchuck sauntered downstairs. There was no furniture in the house, it was dusty and looked like it hadn’t been touched since the prior tenants moved out. All true, with the exception that Woodchuck was living upstairs. I dared not go up there.
This was odd, because Woodchuck was not on our lease and to my knowledge, no one in the house knew him. Hell, I still had not spoken to the man. Well, I’d like to say we met that day, but I do not remember speaking to him, I remember seeing him and nothing else. Still didn’t know his name.
Fast forward to the end of the summer, I move in early for football and don’t know what to expect, will Woodchuck still be living in my house? Will it be empty? Will there be a body in my room? Nobody knows.
My room is clear and that’s all I care about. 4 weeks of training camp go by and Woodchuck was not seen. To this day, I still have no idea if he lived there during that 4 weeks or not. Training camp ends and welcome week begins. Students arrive and my roommates move in (shout out #ThankYouBobby, Brady Quinn #10, & Michelle Kwan). Non-stop partying ensues and Woodchuck surfaces. My 530am wake up calls for football did not stop Joul from blasting country music at 3:00am trying to entice the last freshman girl at the party to come home with him. Thanks again Joul.
Now it is important to note, nobody knows Woodchuck at this time, in fact we haven’t even donned him with the nickname Woodchuck yet. He simply showed up and never left, I never saw him alone, he was always at our house or with someone who lived in our house. Here’s what we knew about Woodchuck:
- He was always there. Before the party, after the party, cleaning up the party, weekdays, noon, night, rain, shine, Woodchuck was there.
- Not his name
- When we first saw him, he looked like this:
Thus, we assumed (and held that assumption for some time) that he liked to chuck on wood (penis) and a legend was born, Woodchuck got a name.
The Woodchuck Way:
Throughout the rest of the year and rest of our lives, Woodchuck remained. We tentatively accepted him into our family and found that Woodchuck is a great friend. He is as loyal as can be. He helps set up, he cleans, he yells at annoying women, he does it all. But most of all he documents. Woodchuck has literally everything on his phone. There are pictures and videos on that man’s phone that could lock some of us up until our unborn grandchildren are dead. Every beer bong, every body-shot, every dance floor makeout and even every nude, lives on that phone. It is held over our heads for the rest of eternity. Woodchuck will be killed prior to any of us getting married.
The rise of Woodchuck:
Halloween came around and still no one knew Woodchuck’s name. We told him to get a Woodchuck costume and he wore this to class:
Woodchuck was in his element, to say the least.
Shortly thereafter rumors began to swirl. There was a nude on Woodchuck’s phone but this time, it was not of any of us or anyone we knew. Instead, that nude belonged (allegedly) to the daughter of our University’s president. No one can confirm but at the same time, no one can deny, that Woodchuck sexed the president’s daughter. Just imagine Woodchuck in his costume tip toeing around the president’s mansion on the corner of campus. I laughed just typing that.
Upon graduation, Woodchuck went to work at a bike shop and has shown up to work on Saturday blacked out/hungover more than anyone I know. WC bounced around for a few years chasing tail (mostly his own). He has a new job now – I have no idea what is is – and low and behold, there is now a lady chuck. Much like Woodchuck, not one member of the crew knew about her, she simply showed up one day. She seems nice and I am happy for him.
The rise of Woodchuck cumulates in a Folbies win but truly he knows no bounds. Of course the day will come where he becomes too dangerous and we inevitability will have to kill him. Until then, enjoy this Woodchuck, you’ve earned it.
If you’ve made it this far, you are a better person for it. Best of luck to all this week. I am happy to have shared this narrative with you. It was truly a pleasure for me.
Take us out Chuck!