Last week we wrote the guide for the Indians to win the World Series, all of that still holds true. While the Tribe took up zero of my suggestions thus far (only a matter of time), they managed to sweep the Red Sox. The Blue Jays are the hottest team in the playoffs and some people are scared. Well fear not, the guide to beating the Blue Jays is here… I think this one might land.
Forewarning this is basically just a guide on how to fuck with Canada…
Stand for the National Anthem, Kneel for O Canada!
O CANADA! YOUR HOME AND NATIVE LAND! WE WILL FUCKING KNEEL! AT BASEBALL YOU ARE BAADD!!!
Look, the Indians won on Columbus Day, ending a 524 year losing streak. Canada has no place in baseball and as the Aboriginals of this game, we must defend its honor.
We are the land of the free, home of the brave and in this case we fear none, respect
P.S. When the Indians are eventually forced to get rid of Chief Wahoo and the Indians name, I pray they choose the Aboriginals.
Mark Donnelly Sings the National Anthem
Who the fuck is Mark Donnelly? This guy…
Seems odd to have a French-Canadian singing our National Anthem…at first. But when you think about it, this is no different than when the captain of the football team dates the hottest cheerleader from the rival high school. That other school is completely swagger-jacked. Can’t keep your own cheerleaders happy? Pathetic! There is no denying Mark Donnelly can sing, so fuck it, let’s have him belt it out for the stars and stripes and watch Canada turn green with envy.
Maple Syrup Night At Progressive Field
I have been thinking about this for a while now and I have yet to determine the competitive advantage for the Tribe. I think it just comes down to me wanting to sit down behind home plate with a stack of pancakes and start chugging maple syrup for a few innings.
Fun fact: Foghorns were invented in Canada. Glad you all learned something today aren’t you? Anyways, blast these fuckers off at will. Absolutely no mercy with the foghorns. Needs to be basically mandatory anytime a Toronto pitcher gets to 3 balls in a count. Walks-enormous. There will be Indians running wild on the bases with the cover of the Foghorn!
And the best for last….
The Canadian Trojan Horse: Invade the Rogers Centre by Rascal
Fun fact #2: The Electric Wheelchair, aka Rascals, were invented in Canada (yes I googled famous things from Canada). So what we need to do is show up in droves to the Rogers Centre all riding Rascals. Ballparks have what like 50 wheelchair accessible seats tops? Can you imagine what would happen if we got a few thousand Indians fans to roll up riding rims in our rascals? Chaos! Absolute mayhem. The Blue Jays wouldn’t know what to do. It’s the Canadian Trojan Horse, classic.