Browns Football / Indians

Cleveland is Broken, Can Clipboard Jesus Save Us?

Injuries have ravished the Cleveland sports world over the past few weeks causing both the Indians and Browns to make some moves, most notably, the signing of Charlie Whitehurst, aka Clipboard Jesus. Before we talk about him, let us take a look at the recent list of injuries to plague The Land:

Danny Salazar – Forearm strain – Game injury

Carlos Carrasco – Broken hand – Game injury

Cam Irving – Bruised lung – Game injury

Robert Griffin –  Fractured coracoid bone – Pretending to be an NFL Quarterback

Carl Nassib – Broken hand – Game injury

Corey Coleman – Broken Hand – Practice, man

Josh McCown – Shoulder – Being a fucking man and playing through it/the Browns o-line is made of swiss cheese

Josh Gordon’s Potential Daughter – Broken Heart – Gordon refuses to submit a paternity test and was arrested after failing to appear at a hearing regarding said paternity test (we will discuss this tomorrow)

That’s a lot to deal with. Let’s first discuss the replacements for the Tribe who will fuel our October dreams with their currently in tact pitching arms.

Percy Garner

perci_headshot

No such thing as having too many fat black guys around (take notes Browns). Well I could think of a few scenarios but typically it’s a solid play for morale boosting. Not to mention, the last time we had a fat black guy on the mound he won a Cy Young before he drank himself into alcoholism because he missed Cleveland so much (I’m sorry C.C. that was uncalled for and really, I would love to have you back in Cleveland to help bolster our o-line, please accept my formal apology).

On a serious note, Perci Garner has been solid in the minors this year. A look at some numbers shows you 51 IP in AA with a 1.94 ERA and a FIP (fielding independent pitching) of 2.53. In AAA it was 23 IP with a 1.63 ERA and a 3.17 FIP.

Garner is from Dover, Ohio and was originally an american football quarterback at Ball State University. At 6’3″ 225lbs Garner can be used a multitude of ways on Sunday’s and until someone on the Browns shows they belong in the NFL, I will continue to suggest that baseball players should suit up in orange and brown.

Adam Plutko

plutko_headshot

Adam Plutko falls into the category of average looking white guy but differentiates himself through a clear disregard for personal hygiene. Guy isn’t afraid to lose his razor for a few weeks and you always need a guy who prioritizes winning over shampooing his hair every night.

On the baseball side of things, Plutko was above average in the minors, his numbers don’t jump off the page, but if Terry Francona wants to bring him up then I believe he is ready.


Clipboard Jesus (Charlie Whitehurst)

charlie_jesus

Charlie Whitehurst is 34 years old and has hair from the heavens above. The Browns are Whitehurst’s 6th team and he has made about as many NFL starts as I have. I was really hoping we would sign Tebow, Rex Grossman, Johnny Manziel or maybe Kyle Orton, but Clipboard Jesus is just as good. It is impossible to feel pain or sorrow looking at his hair. Whitehurst is also dating Jewel who seems like a better person than Colleen Crowley. I’d also say Whitehurst is less likely to be smashing her head into a windshield anytime soon, but hey you never know, bitches be crazy and men with long hair rarely play by the rules. Oh, and Jewel is attractive so time to look up songs by Jewel bump some Jewel, purchase a Jesus jersey and prepare for the playoffs lose 14 games this year.

jewel

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One thought on “Cleveland is Broken, Can Clipboard Jesus Save Us?

  1. Pingback: Week In Review: Indians Clinch, Cody Parkey Still Employed And Goodnight Sweet Joshua | Folbies International

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