Winner: Andy Dalton
Last week the Tribe added a much needed left arm to the bullpen in Andrew Miller. Miller is one of the game’s best relievers and will split the job of closer with current Tribe closer Cody Allen. At 6’7” and consistently above 95 with the fastball, the key to his game is heat – pure, hot, orange, heat. We will get back to that in a minute. The Tribe’s pen desperately needed help, outside of Allen the squad out there struggles. Brian Shaw not only looks like a gym teacher but throws like one as well, Matt Albers is the only person less athletic in the entire big leagues and it is damn close.
Zach McAllister is supposed to be our other stopper outside of Allen which is truly unfortunate for everyone involved. McAllister once had a spot as the 5th man in the Tribe’s rotation but was moved to the bullpen on account of blowing ass. The move hasn’t been much better. He is a one dimensional pitcher and only throws a fastball. Listening to the broadcasters introduce him by saying “McAllister throws primarily fastballs” is the most unsettling thing you can hear in a tight game with runners on. Mariano Rivera is the only guy who can throw one pitch and get away with it. Comparing the two insults the intelligence of everyone reading this.
The rest of the bullpen is serviceable but not worth mentioning since McAllister and Shaw eat up the majority of meaningful innings (gross). We have virtually zero lefties out there (depending on the revolving door from AAA Columbus) and Miller allows Francona to toy with 8th and 9th inning matchups leaving the 7th inning to our starters or literally anyone who can get 3 outs – might I suggest the entire browns offense? They have a solid history of going three and out am I right?!
So the question you are all asking. WTF does Andy Dalton have to do with this? He is the resident Ginger in the state of Ohio. The keeper of that hot, orange, heat in Ohio (HO-HO-hio, Dalton’s new slogan???) While he is completely irrelevant in Cleveland for 363 days a year, Clint Frazier (the Ginger Hammer), was about to be very relevant in Cleveland for a long time. Frazier is a top prospect and has a head full of flaming hot Cheetos. No doubt in my mind Dalton got a celebratory haircut and bought a new leather jacket last week when he found out he got to continue to be top dick of the Gingers in Ohio. Congrats on your first win of the year Andy. Enjoy it now while it lasts.
Loser: Jonathon LuCroy
We all know LuCroy vetoed the trade to The Land. LuCroy was dealt to Texas where he will likely wither away and die. Hitting .300 and catching every day ain’t easy but it helps to play in the AC at Miller Park. LuCroy passed up the AL’s best starting rotation, Lake Erie breeze, and loose women to go to Arlington, Texas – AKA Swamp ass city. Have fun with that buddy.
Winner: The Cleveland Browns
Finally there is someone in Cleveland over 6’3” who can throw.
Loser: The Cincinnati Bengals
The Ginger stays.